You’ve probably noticed that some couples just naturally have one person who takes the lead. Maybe they decide where to eat most nights, or they’re the one who handles the finances. This is what we call dominance in a relationship, and it’s a lot more nuanced than it might first appear.

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about some Fifty Shades fantasy (though we’ll get to that later). I’m talking about the everyday dynamic where one partner tends to guide the relationship’s direction more than the other.

The Spectrum of Dominance in Relationships

Let’s get something straight – dominance isn’t inherently good or bad. It exists on a spectrum, from healthy assertiveness all the way to controlling behavior that crosses into abuse.

In the healthiest relationships, dominant behaviors are flexible and consensual. Think of it less as “I’m the boss” and more like “I’ll take the lead on this, if that’s cool with you.”

What Healthy Dominance Looks Like

Healthy dominance might look like:

• Confidently suggesting plans (but being open to alternatives)
• Taking initiative in decision-making (while still seeking input)
• Being assertive about personal needs (without steamrolling your partner)
• Providing structure and direction (when it benefits both of you)

This kind of dominance can actually strengthen a relationship. Some people naturally gravitate toward leadership roles, while others prefer to follow. When these tendencies complement each other, it can create a beautiful balance.

As relationship researcher John Gottman points out, even in the healthiest partnerships, power dynamics still exist – the key is how that power is shared and respected.

When Dominance Turns Toxic

On the flip side, dominance crosses into unhealthy territory when:

• One partner controls all communication
• Roles are mandated rather than chosen
• Criticism becomes constant and demeaning
• Emotional manipulation is used to maintain control
• Social interactions are limited or monitored
• Personal boundaries are regularly violated

These behaviors aren’t just annoying – they’re harmful. Studies show that controlling relationships are strongly linked to anxiety, depression, and decreased self-esteem in the controlled partner.

The difference between healthy assertiveness and unhealthy control often comes down to one critical factor: consent.

The BDSM Perspective on Dominance

Now for the part you might have been waiting for.

In the BDSM community, dominance and submission are explicitly negotiated roles based on enthusiastic consent and mutual pleasure. These dynamics involve the Dominant (Dom) and submissive (Sub) agreeing to specific power exchanges that satisfy both partners’ desires.

What makes this different from abuse? Clear communication, boundaries, and respect.

The history of dominant-submissive relationships goes way back – even appearing in ancient texts like the Kama Sutra. Today’s BDSM lifestyle has evolved to include formalized rituals like collaring ceremonies that symbolize commitment to the dynamic.

Finding the Right Balance

So what’s the takeaway here? The key to understanding dominance in relationships is recognizing that one partner taking a leading role isn’t inherently problematic – it’s how that role is exercised that matters.

Healthy dominance is:

• Flexible (roles can switch depending on the situation)
• Respectful (of boundaries and autonomy)
• Consensual (both partners are comfortable with the dynamic)
• Balanced (with compromise and mutual decision-making)

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley found that the healthiest relationships aren’t necessarily those where power is perfectly equal at all times, but where partners feel they have influence and respect regardless of who’s taking the lead.

The bottom line? Dominance in relationships isn’t one-size-fits-all. Some couples thrive with more defined roles, while others prefer an egalitarian approach. What matters most is that whatever dynamic you have is built on mutual respect, open communication, and genuine consent.

After all, the strongest relationships aren’t about who’s in charge – they’re about two people choosing to walk through life together, supporting each other’s growth along the way.